There are many topics that bring couples in for counseling. The three areas that couples fight about the most are Intimacy, Finances and Parenting. However, in my work with couples I see another problem that I believe is a root problem under many difficulties that couples encounter. This problem is making assumptions about one’s spouse based on one’s self. While making assumptions this way seems reasonable enough, the rule of complementarities gives couples a high rate of being wrong when they make assumptions about the other based on themselves.
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What is the rule of complementarities? Basically it means that couples are attracted to each other for complementary personality traits. A highly motivated person will normally seek out someone who is more laid back than they are. Someone who loves talking tends to be attracted to someone who loves listening. Free spirits tend to feel freer when they know that someone else is managing the details. Relationships work best when there is balance: when each person brings something to the table that the other person lacks.
Difficulties arise when these differences are not understood and taken into consideration. Let’s look at an example. It can become frustrating to the highly motivated person (we’ll call them X) that their spouse (Y) would rather spend their day off resting quietly rather than working or playing hard. Based on how X functions it would be easy for X to assume that Y is just being lazy. The reality is that Y has different values that bring balance to X’s drive to achieve. Rest is a valuable part of life that X often overlooks. Moreover, if Y tried to do all of the things that X does, Y would no longer be the laid back, easy going person that X needs in a spouse. It does not usually work for two highly motivated people to be married to each other because they march so strongly in their own direction that there is nothing to hold them together. X needs a spouse who is willing to go along for the ride most of the time.
The counselors at Transitions find that simple personality tools can provide spouses with a frame for understanding how they complement each other. It is often a relief for spouses to come to understand both themselves and each other in a new light. With work spouses can learn to accept and value each other in places where there was once tension.
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