- Why Parenting is Difficult: Introduction to the Series
- Why Parenting is Difficult: Loving and Letting Go
- Why Parenting is Difficult: Loving the Hard to Like
Have you ever stopped in horror and realized that at that moment of time you are feeling hate towards your child? Or maybe you have found that while you love your child you really don’t LIKE them. Or perhaps somewhere deep down inside you feel disappointed about some of the qualities of your child. (For example, you always dreamed of playing baseball with your son, but you had two girls instead, or your son doesn’t want to play baseball, or your son has physical/mental limitations and can’t play baseball.) These are things that many parents feel but have a hard time telling even a counselor (whom is bound by law to never tell another soul). This is one of the difficult things about parenting: you don’t get to choose your child.
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While there is a lot that a parent influences in their child and how the child develops I think that current psychology tends to overlook the fact that children are their own little people. It is obvious that children come with their own physical characteristics. Most would agree that children come with certain inborn mental and emotional characteristics too. Separating out what is due to nature and what is due to nurture is something that continues to have scientists stumped. Whatever they eventually decide: it is true that children react to their parents in ways that are determined by something inside of the child. In other words not everything about a child is determined by the parent’s actions or inactions. For most parents, this is both good and bad news.
The good news: You do not cause your child’s behaviors, although you do influence them. It is a common perception of many parents that when their child misbehaves, everyone is looking and wondering what the parent is doing to cause these behaviors. It comes as a relief to a lot of weary parents that they do no cause their children’s bad behaviors. Parents make actions and the child makes reactions based on something inside of them. For example a parent can send a child to time out but it is something inside the child that determines how they feel about being sent to time out. Some children hate time out while others may even like time out. For the child who likes time out, this is not going to be a good way of reducing problem behaviors. A parent may realize that their child likes time out and can find a different punishment or use time out as a reward and can therefore influence the child’s behavior, but they do not cause the behavior.
The bad news: There are going to be things about your child that you would like to change but cannot change. Mismatches between parents and children cause of a lot of disappointment and frustration in parenting. Some children seem to thrive when the adults around them treat them very sensitively and tenderly. What happens when such a child is born to two parents who are great at being organized but have a hard time being sensitive and tender? Some children seem to thrive with adults who keep strict rules and regular schedules. What happens when such a child is born to parents who are sensitive and tender but have a hard time being organized? In the above cases, the parents may be really great parents but there is a mismatch between what the child needs and what the parent has to offer. Another way that parents and children can be mismatched is in the area of gifts and abilities. It can be very difficult for a parent who is of fairly ordinary intelligence to have a very bright child. Likewise it can be very disappointing for a parent who is great at sports to have a child who just is not very coordinated.
There is nothing wrong with feeling disappointed when something that one was hoping for does not happen. This is what is going on when a parent feels disappointed about the qualities of their child (or about other ways that the parent and child are mismatched). Yet most parents feel terribly guilty or ashamed when they feel disappointed about the qualities of their child so they try to hide their disappointment. Unfortunately hiding feelings usually has more negative than positive effects. It is better to work to accept your disappointments so that you can fully accept your child. It’s only after disappointments are resolved (not hidden) that you will be able to truly love your child just as they are.
This sounds like a nice tidy ending, but once again, we live in the real world. For many people trying to accept disappointments is messy business that is often linked to a lot of negative past experiences. Not only is it hard work but for most of the parents I know, it is often hard to find enough time to think through what needs to be done in a day, let alone taking the time to think through less urgent matters. No wonder parenting is hard!
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